KARL MARX IS SANTA CLAUS 

  By: Stephen Sinisi 

 

 And all this time I thought the “red” coat was a coincidence.  Oh Karl, we hardly knew ye!  Turns out you were Father Christmas as well as Father Communism.  How could we have missed it?  It’s all there: The snowy white beard, those gentle eyes and the fact that Santa Claus is German for Karl Marx.  Actually, Karl Marx is German for Karl Marx and Santa Claus is English for Weihnachtsmann…I think…but that’s beside the point. 

He’s Santa Claus and he’s been pulling the wool over our eyes for one hell of a long time.  

North of 60 and left of center 

Gotta love that North Pole (suspiciously close to another former Communist stronghold, I might add) – a place where the snow runs deep and the proletariat reigns supreme.  It’s a fantasy camp for the left of center.  The term class distinction falls upon deaf ears when it falls upon the giant ears of an elf.  Think about it.  They all dress the same, live the same, act the same, eat the same and get paid the same (in candy canes and sugarplums, I imagine).  Shit, they even look the same.  They’re probably genetic carbon copies of one another…they’re so damned cute, aren’t they? 

 I would go so far as to say they probably even reproduce in exactly the same position, but the thought of two elves getting it on by a fire and a bear skin rug is just gross (unless you’re into that sort of thing).   No bourgeois oppression here folks, just good ‘ol fashioned Marxism.  And who’s the sole governing body of the land?  The physical manifestation of the state itself?  Papa Claus himself.  Coincidence?  I think not. 

  

 

 Your house is my house is his house 

In a Marxist world, there’s no such thing as private property; therefore, there’s no such thing as breaking and entering.  This gives Santa/Karl the license to tip-toe his little black boots into your chimney and check out your digs (better dust under that futon, pal).  Ever wonder why you leave him milk and cookies?  You do so in the hope that he won’t elaborate on the whole “what’s yours is ours” philosophy and lift your plasma TV right out of your living room. 

You’re going to argue with a guy that can break into a billion homes in one night?  Just leave him some sugar and pray he’s too pre-occupied to use your Xbox as a gift for Johnny the Asshole two blocks down.  It’s not that he doesn’t love you, it’s that he loves us all…in a socio-economic way, of course.  He’s got to keep the distribution of wealth even. 

Besides, it’s not only a form of appeasement, it’s also a simple exchange of goods and services.  You give me sugar, I give you gifts and in the morning, we’re all equal.  Even-Steven-Marxism.  And just to show he’s not ALL about balancing the books, he even leaves a present to all the naughty girls and boys that don’t give him milk and cookies – a fat bag of coal. 

Sure, it doesn’t make top 5 on my wish list either…but when the fire goes out in a place like the North Pole, Barbie’s plastic legs aren’t going to do much to keep your greedy ass from freezing to death.  Think about it from his perspective…he’s doing you a favor (regardless of the fact that you live along the equator and sweat to death 11 and a half months a year). 

 Silent night for the Right? 

This Christmas, when you hear the bells on the sleigh guided by Rudolph’s “red” nose on your rooftop, take a second to think about the guy with the big sack (you pervert).  Who is he?  What is he?  How is he?  Where the hell is Friedrich Engels in all of this?  The truth will surprise you.  And who knows?  It may even set you free (if you’re a proletariat…if not, you’re up shit’s creek without toilet paper). 

But why all the secrecy, Santa?  Why not just come clean and tell us who you really are?  Are you trying to bring down “the man” from the inside?  You’re a sly one, Mr. Marx…but we’re on to you.  Ideological differences aside, you’ll always have a place in North American pop culture so long as you keep the good times coming and keep the evisceration of the bourgeoisie to a minimum.  And if we ever do have the good grace to cross your path, out of respect for your faithful service year after year, we’ll stick to the left. 

In the words of Santa himself, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all proletarians unite!”

 

 

  

THE KILLERS ARE NOT NIRVANA

By: Stephen Sinisi

(This one’s a year old – November 13, 2006)

 I’d like to start by saying that I’m actually a fan of The Killers.  Moreover, I think Sam’s Town is a good album.  With that said, there’s a difference between a good album and a revolutionary album.  In the November 2006 issue of Maxim Blender (and the November 2006 issue of FHM magazine), Brandon Flowers pits the band’s most recent offering up against some of the greats of the past 20 years (namely, Radiohead’s OK Computer, U2’s Achtung Baby and Nirvana’s Nevermind). 

 Aside from creating a measuring stick for the album that makes it look positively cheap by comparison, he inadvertently insults the standards that define great things as great.          

  Good is not great

Those albums mentioned in the interview are indeed great, and not without good reason.  They completely altered the musical landscapes in which they were created and changed the mainstream’s perception of popular music at the time. 

When Nevermind was released, mainstream rock acts were still running around in spandex and teased hair.  What was called “Grunge” eventually flooded the airwaves and soon, even old Travolta fans were starting to dress like lumberjacks.  When Achtung Baby was released just after Nevermind, it flew directly in the face of Grunge and offered an alternative style to a movement that was just starting to reach the height of its popularity (and quite successfully, I might add).  Before 1997’s Ok Computer, no one believed for a second that a band could manipulate melody and technological innovation in a manner as refreshing as Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon.  Radiohead proved us all wrong and most music critics were pleased to admit it. 

For better or for worse, these albums altered not only the course of music, but also the manner in which a substantial number of people thought about music as well.  They zigged when everyone else zagged.  Will Sam’s Town do the same?  I know it’s still too early to tell, but really, it isn’t.   

 

The singles released from each of those albums caused uproar within their respective musical communities.  They were each different, refreshing and innovative enough in their own ways to either shock or enlighten people.  Although I enjoy listening to “When You Were Young,” it doesn’t appear as though it’s backed by the same kind of force as an “Even Better Than The Real Thing,” a “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” or a “Paranoid Android.”  How is the album revolutionizing music at the moment? 

 Sure, it does a great job of revisiting forgotten styles and genres, but is it really flying in the face of convention in the same way the aforementioned albums did?  Is it really that much different from everything else that’s being released at the moment?  Or rather, different to an extent deserving of the sort of recognition to which Brandon believes he is entitled?  I don’t think so.           

 

Flowers for Brandon?

On a note that is somewhat related, Kurt Cobain’s death instigated a rash of suicides amongst disenfranchised youths who genuinely felt as though they had lost a leader – a voice that spoke to them as well as on behalf of them.  Although I sincerely hope that this DOES NOT happen (no, I’m not a sick bastard), if Brandon Flowers were to decide to take his life tomorrow, would his death instigate the same type of reaction?  I don’t think so. 

That sort of adulation only occurs when you write a revolutionary album.  And at the moment, The Killers have not.

 

And so

So, even though Mr. Flowers is no longer mystified by the artists he once revered as “gods,” that does not mean he walks among them.  Will his name eventually be inscribed alongside the legends?  Who knows?  But at this moment in time, Brandon, you are a guest at the Hall of Fame.  Don’t abuse your privileges.  

 

 

 

THE TOMAS KABERLE

SONG 

 

By: Stephen Sinisi  

 Why a song about Tomas Kaberle?  Well, the only logical response I have for that question is why the hell not?  Seriously.  In Leaf-crazy Toronto, the guy doesn’t get nearly as much respect as he deserves.  Sure, he makes his occasional mistakes, but on any given night he’s one of the reasons the team isn’t getting blown out (even more).  He’s a consistent factor on a consistently inconsistent team…consistently.  That may be a mouthful, but it makes a shit-load of sense.  I hope.  

Mr. Cross-Ice Pass

 I can’t remember when I actually wrote the song; I’m pretty sure it happened around the time when Cam Janssen formally introduced Kaberle’s forehead to the boards at the Prudential Center with a late hit.  The poor guy’s face is probably still imprinted on them and all Janssen got was a minor suspension.  Great call, NHL.  Guys like Downie and Boulerice got what they deserved and he got a slap on the wrist with a luffa.  But what pissed me off even more was the fact that Darcy Tucker was the only guy on the team who looked pissed off.  And he wasn’t even playing. 

Take a look at the clip.  They look pissed off, don’t they?  Now take a look at what happened when Chris Neil of the Senators hit Chris Drury of the Sabres.  Slightly different reaction, don’t you think?  When one of your best players gets tossed like a two dollar hooker, someone should at least step in and “attempt” to fight.    In the hockey world, that’s a given.  But no.  What do the Leafs do?  They send Belak after Janssen a few weeks later – when Kaberle is almost fully recovered.  Way too little a few weeks too late.  I love the Leafs and will always be a Leaf fan, but that night, I was embarrassed for them.  

 I digress 

So yeah, I wrote the song at around that time.  I felt bad for the guy.  He can’t even get respect from his own team, let alone the NHL.  Fortunately (or unfortunately, if you hate the song), I have my guitar with me while I watch Leaf highlights.  And so, one thing led to another and a song came together.  Writing lyrics was a bit of a challenge.  You can only rhyme Kaberle with so much; I was tempted to use “in between cars he likes to play” at one point. 

When it came time to create a video, I used The Man Boob Anthem as a foundation and went to work.  After a few weekends of labor (and a few weekends of recording with Mr. Dan Mazzotta before that), I released the Tomas Kaberle Song on YouTube the week the 2007 NHL season began.  If you’re wondering why there’s a Kaberle Song 2 out there on YouTube as well, it’s because the original version miraculously decided to stop playing.  Kaberle Song 2 is exactly the same as the Thomas Kaberle Song…the only difference is that the former works and the latter only works whenever the hell it feels like it.   

T.O. Loves T.K. 

If the feedback from this video proves one thing, it’s that Leaf Nation has love for Tomas Kaberle.  Which is nice, really.  The physical, brute-force type players usually get the majority of the attention in these parts; it’s nice to see a guy known for his smooth skating and finesse get some of that attention every now and then as well. 

Lately, there have been rumors swirling around about a potential trade involving Kaberle (I know. Why the Leafs would want to cripple their defense even more is beyond me too).  But hey, that’s the nature of the sport.  Players come and go and the likelihood that one will stay in one city throughout the entire duration of his career is rare.  On that note, if the Leafs DO decide to trade Kaberle in the near future (which they shouldn’t), the least they can do is get something worthwhile.  Anything less and my next video will be “John Ferguson, are you selling any of that terrific crack you’re smoking?”